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So I set up a fundraiser online and sent an email. I wanted a better me. The other effect was to trigger the self-centered, possessive mechanism that wants to claim everything as its own. My best attempts to grasp and give words to it can only extend so far as to say sounds and sensations were happening. Not in the casual sense of obsessed. And it opens me up. What was I doing? What I was wishing for, in wishing that he was still alive, was that he would have deadened down a bit, closed his heart, lied about who he was and what he needed. But one thing I have discovered for myself is this: Not as something I can possess or formulate. And this gets a little tricky because honestly, the benefit is not something most people would perceive as very beneficial because it involves a lot of discomfort.

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